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  • lionelski

Wanna Laugh? Some train humor

Updated: Jan 19

The heck with the news! I hope that these funnies put a smile on your face!

Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive. Well, one thing I’ll say about ticket inspectors is that you’ve certainly got to hand it to them. I recently got a brand new brass Big-Boy for my wife……

Best trade I ever made!

Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem.

What do you call a train that can’t stop sneezing? A choo-choo train.

Why did the guy who was doing a project on his layout give up? He found it difficult to keep track of everything.

Why can’t train engineers be electrocuted? Because they aren’t conductors.

Groucho Marx might have commented, "I don't know what's costing me more - spending too many late nights in the basement working on trains or not spending nearly enough late nights in the basement working on trains!"

Steam locomotives are called "she" because they have a tender behind!!

How do you locate a stolen train?

By following the tracks.

How many model railroaders does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer is 100.

1 who actually changes the light bulb.

90 who complain about the price of light bulbs, how light bulb manufacturers are gouging everybody and how they're not going to play the lightbulb manufacturers' game anymore.

5 who claim that you can make light bulbs from common household materials for cheap.

3 who go off on a tangent and rail against MTH light bulbs because they're not all that compatible with everybody else's light bulb.

And finally, 1 who claims he knows everything there is to know about light bulbs, their history, their eventual demise and who insists the golden age of light bulbs ended with the second Eisenhower administration.

I tried to tell my favorite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

What do you call a person that’s sexually attracted to trains?

A trainsexual.

Did you hear about the man who took the 6 o’clock train home? The police made him give it back.

If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.

A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train. When a train ran over its tail the monkey said, “It won’t be long now!”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said “it’s a deer.” The other said it “No it’s a coyote.” The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them. Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them… I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of self esteem. I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.” Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.

No matter where you are, you’ll never see happy railroad tracks. Too many people have crossed them.

What’s one easy way to tell if a train just passed? It leaves tracks.

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, 'God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!'

Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, 'God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!' Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, 'God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress.' Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said 'Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.'

How do locomotives hear? Through their enginears.


Criticizers who never do anything themselves!

"Ohhh, Look at the pretty trains!"


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